Before I married my sweet husband, I had no desire to have children. It's a little harsh, but it was the truth. Part of that reasoning was because I was terrified of having to go to the doctor's office, so to have to go for 9 whole months? Yeah right! I became an Aunt when I was a junior in high school, so I love kids and have been around them for years. Shoot, I teach a class of 3 year olds who I adore. So it wasn't that I didn't like kids, but more about fear over every aspect a child brings.
I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to have a honeymoon baby, especially since my husband and I both waited to be married before we even entered "that" territory. I placed so much fear and anxiety into having a child in our first year of marriage. We both agreed prior to being husband & wife that we wanted to wait at least 5 years before we started a family. The first two years of our marriage flew by and we were loving life just the two of us. We were continuing to grow as individuals and a couple. We were happy. We were content.
As time went on, we decided we were ready for a house, and then shortly after that we got our dog. Both were great and all seemed to fit into God's perfect timing. Then out of no where, I truly began to feel like my heart was shifting. I started to entertain this idea that one day we were really going to raise a family together. Through my doubt and worry, I know God slowly began to peel away the fears I was carrying around towards bearing a child, and was allowing my heart to be open to the idea. God is good, because the thought of this before would make me shut down. No joke. But as God, in His loving manner, began to open my heart to be filled with His desires, so much freedom has come. Looking through an old prayer journal from last year, I found an entry from August 9th, 2012. I wrote "I went to sleep last night worried that I was disappointing Jearen and other people because we weren't having kids yet. I have always been terrified to have a baby, and yet that is all people ask us these days. I feel like my heart is becoming softer to the idea. Maybe I just have a lot of walls built up towards this that you are slowly tearing down until that day comes." I went on to write, "I pray for our future children, that you will raise Jearen and I to be loving, Godly parents. I pray your provision and blessings for our future. This is the first time I've ever prayed about this, I hope you're smiling :)."
Then, in December of 2013, I found out I was pregnant. We shared the news with our closest family and friends, and had so much joy and peace inside of us as we were embarking on a new journey as husband and wife.
Unfortunelty, it did not go according to how we planned.
At the beginning of January 2014, I went in to have my first sonogram. After not seeing anything on the screen, there was a small concern that either I wasn't as far along as we thought (8 weeks) or that the baby was in the wrong spot. I went home that night trying not to hang my head in discouragement. From day one of finding out I was pregnant, my trust has been in The Lord. So I knew I needed to continue to keep my chin up. We had to have blood work done and wait over the weekend before we knew just how far along I was. Monday at work, the only thing on my mind was the little baby inside of me. Did we catch the pregnancy super early? Was he/she in the wrong spot? It's all I thought about. Then my husband called me that afternoon to let me know what the doctor had said. (Sidenote: Jearen was PHENOMINAL at helping me with everything, from setting up my appointments to being with me every step of the way.) The doctor told him that the bloodwork came back showing I was indeed pregnant, but they couldn't tell how far along I was. They wanted to see me the next day to do more bloodwork.
Immediatly after getting off the phone with him, I went to tell my boss I had a doctors appointment in the morning. I had a nervous stomach all day, but after I talked to her, it got worse. I began to feel faint, my lower stomach was in severe sharp pain, and I got very hot. Thankfully, I only had 15 minutes left of work, so I suffered through it. I drove home, headed straight to bed, and prayed the pain would go away. The next morning, as I was getting ready to head to the doctor's office, I began to have those same symptoms again. Jearen had an errand to run, so he had to meet me at the doctor's office. I could barely sit up, let alone drive, but I made it there just in time.
After having to do another sonogram (this time very painful), my doctor knew something was wrong. This is where I KNOW God was in control and was taking care of everything. My doctor told me I had two options since she believed I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. I could either take a shot or go into surgery. I can't describe the peace I had, and even my husband was a little taken back by my response, but I just knew I needed surgery. Here I am barely sitting up on a doctor's bench, afraid of needles and all that doctor's offices entail, and I just said I wanted surgery?! It was God giving me the peace to do what needed to be done. I was wheeled off to the ER, texting family letting them know what was going on. I was prepped for surgery with Jearen, his dad, mom and step mom all by my side. Waking up after surgury, all I rememeber was wanting to tell the doctor who was telling me where I was (the recovery room) that I had a good dream :). They allowed Jearen to come back and sit with me for a while.
Looking back, here is how I know GOD IS GOOD and how I have faith to believe that even in such a heartbreaking time, He still loves me.
- My right fullopian tube had ruptured (which was the pain I was feeling Monday night & Tuesday morning). Had I not had that doctor's appoinment set up, I would have been stubborn and not gone to see someone right away.
- Had I waited even longer, I would have bleed internally even more than I did (loosing 2 pints of blood already). My life could have been taken from this earth.
- The surgery went well, and I had no fear of it.
- Family and friends filled my hospital room that night. God showed me His love through each face I got to see.
- Someone was kind enough to donate blood. I'm so thankful for those blood transfusions.
- God allowed me to live to tell this story of heartache, allowing me to look to him for strength and share of his love.
- God placed people in my life prior to the event, who lifted me up in prayer and encouraged my soul at my lowest moment.
-Jearen never left my side, and was so strong as he communicated how I was doing to our family every couple of hours.
- God had given me a deeper trust in him, even when I don't understand why things happen.
- My follow up exam showed everything to be working great.
- I grieved and sometimes still do, but God gives me strength to press on.
I know this is a long story, but it has become to close to my heart, knowing that Jearen and I WILL have children one day. This story is sad and heartbreaking, but I serve a God who is BIG, LOVING and GIVING. I stand on His promises, that He has a future for me, and I know this ant hill is just part of my journey to the top of the mountain!!!
The healing process is a long one for this kind of situation, with ups and downs of emotions. I believe that we will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimonies (Revelation 12:1). I've wanted to share this for a while now, and feel like now is the time. Why? Because I'm not ashamed to say I went through this hard season of life. I know many women who miscarry their children feel all alone, and I didn't want to stay in that place. I want to shed light on such a hard topic, knowing that others out there have gone through similar situations. This is just part of my story now, and I want to encourage others to share their stories, whatever that may be. Ladies, I'm always down for a coffee date if anyone wants to get together to know more or just need a listening ear.
Thanks for all the love and support through all of this.
My heart is overwhelmed and beyond thankful!!
As time went on, we decided we were ready for a house, and then shortly after that we got our dog. Both were great and all seemed to fit into God's perfect timing. Then out of no where, I truly began to feel like my heart was shifting. I started to entertain this idea that one day we were really going to raise a family together. Through my doubt and worry, I know God slowly began to peel away the fears I was carrying around towards bearing a child, and was allowing my heart to be open to the idea. God is good, because the thought of this before would make me shut down. No joke. But as God, in His loving manner, began to open my heart to be filled with His desires, so much freedom has come. Looking through an old prayer journal from last year, I found an entry from August 9th, 2012. I wrote "I went to sleep last night worried that I was disappointing Jearen and other people because we weren't having kids yet. I have always been terrified to have a baby, and yet that is all people ask us these days. I feel like my heart is becoming softer to the idea. Maybe I just have a lot of walls built up towards this that you are slowly tearing down until that day comes." I went on to write, "I pray for our future children, that you will raise Jearen and I to be loving, Godly parents. I pray your provision and blessings for our future. This is the first time I've ever prayed about this, I hope you're smiling :)."
Then, in December of 2013, I found out I was pregnant. We shared the news with our closest family and friends, and had so much joy and peace inside of us as we were embarking on a new journey as husband and wife.
Unfortunelty, it did not go according to how we planned.
At the beginning of January 2014, I went in to have my first sonogram. After not seeing anything on the screen, there was a small concern that either I wasn't as far along as we thought (8 weeks) or that the baby was in the wrong spot. I went home that night trying not to hang my head in discouragement. From day one of finding out I was pregnant, my trust has been in The Lord. So I knew I needed to continue to keep my chin up. We had to have blood work done and wait over the weekend before we knew just how far along I was. Monday at work, the only thing on my mind was the little baby inside of me. Did we catch the pregnancy super early? Was he/she in the wrong spot? It's all I thought about. Then my husband called me that afternoon to let me know what the doctor had said. (Sidenote: Jearen was PHENOMINAL at helping me with everything, from setting up my appointments to being with me every step of the way.) The doctor told him that the bloodwork came back showing I was indeed pregnant, but they couldn't tell how far along I was. They wanted to see me the next day to do more bloodwork.
Immediatly after getting off the phone with him, I went to tell my boss I had a doctors appointment in the morning. I had a nervous stomach all day, but after I talked to her, it got worse. I began to feel faint, my lower stomach was in severe sharp pain, and I got very hot. Thankfully, I only had 15 minutes left of work, so I suffered through it. I drove home, headed straight to bed, and prayed the pain would go away. The next morning, as I was getting ready to head to the doctor's office, I began to have those same symptoms again. Jearen had an errand to run, so he had to meet me at the doctor's office. I could barely sit up, let alone drive, but I made it there just in time.
After having to do another sonogram (this time very painful), my doctor knew something was wrong. This is where I KNOW God was in control and was taking care of everything. My doctor told me I had two options since she believed I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. I could either take a shot or go into surgery. I can't describe the peace I had, and even my husband was a little taken back by my response, but I just knew I needed surgery. Here I am barely sitting up on a doctor's bench, afraid of needles and all that doctor's offices entail, and I just said I wanted surgery?! It was God giving me the peace to do what needed to be done. I was wheeled off to the ER, texting family letting them know what was going on. I was prepped for surgery with Jearen, his dad, mom and step mom all by my side. Waking up after surgury, all I rememeber was wanting to tell the doctor who was telling me where I was (the recovery room) that I had a good dream :). They allowed Jearen to come back and sit with me for a while.
Looking back, here is how I know GOD IS GOOD and how I have faith to believe that even in such a heartbreaking time, He still loves me.
- My right fullopian tube had ruptured (which was the pain I was feeling Monday night & Tuesday morning). Had I not had that doctor's appoinment set up, I would have been stubborn and not gone to see someone right away.
- Had I waited even longer, I would have bleed internally even more than I did (loosing 2 pints of blood already). My life could have been taken from this earth.
- The surgery went well, and I had no fear of it.
- Family and friends filled my hospital room that night. God showed me His love through each face I got to see.
- Someone was kind enough to donate blood. I'm so thankful for those blood transfusions.
- God allowed me to live to tell this story of heartache, allowing me to look to him for strength and share of his love.
- God placed people in my life prior to the event, who lifted me up in prayer and encouraged my soul at my lowest moment.
-Jearen never left my side, and was so strong as he communicated how I was doing to our family every couple of hours.
- God had given me a deeper trust in him, even when I don't understand why things happen.
- My follow up exam showed everything to be working great.
- I grieved and sometimes still do, but God gives me strength to press on.
I know this is a long story, but it has become to close to my heart, knowing that Jearen and I WILL have children one day. This story is sad and heartbreaking, but I serve a God who is BIG, LOVING and GIVING. I stand on His promises, that He has a future for me, and I know this ant hill is just part of my journey to the top of the mountain!!!
The healing process is a long one for this kind of situation, with ups and downs of emotions. I believe that we will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimonies (Revelation 12:1). I've wanted to share this for a while now, and feel like now is the time. Why? Because I'm not ashamed to say I went through this hard season of life. I know many women who miscarry their children feel all alone, and I didn't want to stay in that place. I want to shed light on such a hard topic, knowing that others out there have gone through similar situations. This is just part of my story now, and I want to encourage others to share their stories, whatever that may be. Ladies, I'm always down for a coffee date if anyone wants to get together to know more or just need a listening ear.
Thanks for all the love and support through all of this.
My heart is overwhelmed and beyond thankful!!
Blissful Becky
